Pie at 1am

Last night I was driving around town aimlessly, with no intention of going anywhere in particular. I had just got done watching the last showing of "Harry Potter", a much needed break and retreat from reality. Suddenly, it struck me. I need pie!

Without warning, I was a man on a mission. Where do you find pie in the middle of the night when every sane-minded person has gone to bed, or is completely drunk out of their mind. There was only one answer, and it was Shari's!

Yes, a 24-hour establishment that serves home-cooking, courtesy of Mexican immigrants, just like your dear sweet Ma used to make. Where else would you want to go?

Driving into the parking lot of Shari's, my heart sank and a bad taste developed in my mouth. Nearly all the parking spots were full, and it looked like there was a line waiting to be seated. The place was crowded. I was expecting a nice, relaxed, low-key pie consumption event. But it was not to be.

The pie gods had seen fit to deprive me of this one satisfaction. Waiting 10 minutes before sitting amongst loud-noised heathens was too high a price to pay. I had to go without. There was no other option.

Sullenly, I drove home grumbling to myself. It would be another 3 hours before the caffeine wore off, and I would be able to sleep. But that's okay, because I would do what I do every night. I would have a backgammon marathon! ....... err, I mean do dance aerobics! .... err, do homework!

Illicit Business

As we all know, college is expensive. You must pay for tuition, student fees, beer, books, food, rent, beer, and clothing. All these expenses certainly add up, and holding a part time job at your local 7-Eleven just isn't going to cut it.

I personally have felt the bite of fascist student fees supporting everything from Religious Cults to the Porn Viewer's Club, all posing as legitimate student groups. And tuition rises? All the result of commie free-market liberalization!

But all this political undertone aside, the Man is putting me in debt, and I have to do something about it. I've been forced to turn to alternative forms of income.

I started simple by digging up my old midterms and finals and selling them to the gullible freshmen for a marked-up price of $50. Of course, the tests are useless since new ones are drafted every year, but I neglected to tell them that.

After a while, I realized that all my cheater-wannabe customers were under the legal drinking age. I also surmised that they would be willing to buy cheap, watered-down alcohol at a ridiculously marked up price! Thus, began my new career in boot-legging in the dorms. I made weekly rounds, selling everything from whiskey, beer, schnaps, tequila, and Korean soju. I've had a couple close calls when my customers were a little over-zealous in their consumption, and subsequently jumped out windows, harassed the dorm staff, and pissed on peoples cars. Luckily, I used a secret code name in my dealings, so that the police couldn't trace any of those incidents back to me.

Did you know that you can make a fortune as a male-stripper? It's true! All you have to have is tight abs, firm buttocks, a meaty bare chest, and dashing good looks. All of which I have none. So, I've been forced to work in the "budget" strip bars. With some talent, you can take a hairy back, limp and flabby muscles, and shriveled testicles to your advantage. I've pioneered and patented this special move called the "Gorilla" which I dare not reveal here hence it be stolen!

Finally, I realized that the most money could be made by selling school children highly addictive drugs. I got an entire kindergarten class hooked on heroin. They're funding their habits by literally raiding cookie jars and sneaking Pop-Tarts to school. I take the Pop-Tarts as initial payment but have them write IOUs so when they're older and can earn money, I'll be literally raking it in.

Well, perhaps this doesn't completely finance my goal of getting an education and living the American dream. If I'm ever going to fulfill my dream of becoming a social worker and helping people, I'll need a lot of money and a lot of drugs to do it. So the big BIG money is in blackmail!

Ever since I discovered who *really* killed Kennedy, I contacted and extorted money from him. The unfortunate thing is he's been blackmailed by a hundred people all ready. By this time he was really experienced with this, and put me on the "standard package" which involves a payment plan, stock options, and a trip to the Bahamas. Unfortunately stocks are useless, the money doesn't come in fast enough, and I'm allergic to the sun.

As you can imagine, all this work during the school year can really cut into your free time. Perhaps I might just consider cutting back on my expenses. Looking at my budget, the biggest sink for my money is my compulsory gambling. I keep buying Keno tickets and spending late nights at the Bingo hall. I can't stop now! Sooner or later I'll win the big one and all my finance problems will be over!

Cat Olympics

I woke up last night with several cats in my room. They were having an Olympics competition, competing in various arenas. They had the 100m dash running from my roommate's to my room as fast as they could.

There was the stalking tournament, a recent addition to the games, where they attempt to gain the "advantage" by surprising your opponent when he or she is distracted by a piece of string. Points were awarded based on success of ambush and artistic impression in the maneuver such as the pounce and the preceded butt-wiggling.

They also had the judo competition where you try to pin your opponent to the floor. A number of extra rules have been added to the cat version which include clawing, biting, and pummeling your opponent senseless when you have him pinned to the ground. Extra points are given to the one being beaten if he escapes and quickly returns again for more punishment.

In the midst of the judo competition, I realized that I was trying to sleep, and I couldn't have Olympic games going on in my room at 1am in the morning. I was forced to call off the games and postpone them until morning. Winners will be declared next week.